Episode Three: A Treatise in Assholery


[To make up for the lengthy absence, here comes a long story. Sorry again, and thanks for reading! ~♥ ]

If there’s something that I’m constantly thankful for, is that (at least for the most part) the men I’ve had to deal with in my life were overall decent human beings. Occasionally stupid, yes – but not downright scum. You know, the kind that won’t make you worry about photos popping up in the web, getting you into Ponzi schemes or kidnapping your pets and holding them for ransom. [I know, my mind works in twisted ways.] Of course, there are always exceptions in every trend and, as I discovered, a guy doesn’t need to put you through that kind of hell to qualify as a grade-A-asshole. So I surely dodged a bullet when I pushed this one out of my way…

To hammer the point home, let’s call him CertifiedAsshole.

I met this… humanoid at Glamazon’s birthday. It was quite the evening for a variety of reasons. First, before heading to the event, I had met a guy for dinner and drinks for the first time in nearly a year. He happened to be none other than BlueprintBoss, of course. Spoiler: nothing happened (see Episode Two) – but the two vodka-crans I guzzled down were the start of the fall down a very slippery and incredibly steep slope. Second, I knew for a fact that EvilEx3 was sure to attend (Glamazon being the friend who had introduced us in the first place, more than three years prior). However, I was halfway expecting him to go with the girl I thought he was seeing. He didn’t. And what’s worse, he… oh, I’ll get to that part later. Finally, that very slippery and steep slope I mentioned? It was like a water slide, only with various types of alcohol replacing H2O.

But I didn’t know the way things were going to turn out when I first set foot in the bar. Since EvilEx3 hadn’t arrived yet, I took the chance to mingle and meet some new folks. That was the time when Glamazon called me over, and introduced me to this rather mousy looking guy standing next to her.

“SSG, this is CertifiedAsshole. He has no friends. CertifiedAsshole, this is SSG, one of the nicest people I know. Talk.”

That would’ve been a red flag for any girl not on her third drink alright, fifth who calls herself sane. But I wasn’t that concerned due to a mix of the whiskey I was having and my knowledge of the birthday girl’s occasionally heartless (yet still awesome) sense of humor. Besides, he looked like a total nerd (and everyone knows I like nerdy guys). What was there to be scared of? So we in fact exchanged a few phrases, and then went our own way. That should’ve been that. But then, a good hour and three drinks later, we found ourselves again sitting at the bar, merrily chatting away as drinks seven, eight and nine took place and, what’s even worse, under the stern, wounded gaze of EvilEx3 who was standing there staring. Just staring. I decided to just ignore him (as we had been broken up for nearly two years already). But of course, the clock kept on ticking the night away, and eventually I decided to call it a night. I asked CertifiedAsshole to walk me to the subway, but as soon as he agreed, EvilEx3 volunteered as well.

Now, I know this story is about how CertifiedAsshole was douchebaggery personified, but this move by EvilEx3 was so close to taking the cake that I just have to explain it. The thing is, I was wearing a pair of awesome, gravity defying heels that evening. Knowing full well that due to my inherent clumsiness I was bound to faceplant due to drunkenness exhaustion on the way back, I snuck a pair of flats in my purse. So, when we were on our way out, I asked the guys to wait for me as I went to the washroom to change my shoes. When I came out, lo and behold… only EvilEx3 was there. He said something about the other guy just going back upstairs and headed out the door. Conveniently enough though, Glamazon was out there too so I took that chance to walk back in with her to confirm my suspicions. Turns out, CertifiedAsshole hadn’t so much gone back upstairs as he had been asked to… by EvilEx3. I was livid – the nerve! I apologized and promised to stay in touch before heading home, for real this time.

Because I am a woman of my word (or so I’d like to think) and I was fairly intrigued, I made honor of my promise the very next day. It was actually fun, I have to say, talking about random things like games and Pixar movies. But as fate would have it, he leaving town for a few weeks and I was headed on a month and a half trip before he got back. Therefore our interactions took place exclusively over the internet. Perhaps that was a sign, too. In any event, after a couple months of talking sporadically over facebook chat, we found ourselves in the same place at the same time, and we promptly scheduled a date.

Actually, the date wasn’t bad. We went out for Persian food and then, being unable to make it into the board game café, we wound up at his place watching The Princess Bride. We might have kissed during the movie. But I picked up something I had noticed during out previous conversation, but which I hoped would improve in person: conversations didn’t come easily with him. And I usually don’t have this problem with people. So I was concerned – perhaps I wasn’t so into him? Our following date (after a reschedule) consisted on going out for coffee and playing Stratego. I got a call towards the end of the night and had to head straight back after the game (which took a good two hours, plus the time spent on choosing what to play). By this point, communication was diminishing, and I knew the inevitable was around the corner. So I decided to tell him things were not going to work out the very next time we spoke.

But of course, it was easier said than done. Well, saying it was easy… the reaction on the other hand took me completely off-guard. To the point where, after the conversation took place, I did something I never do and sent the chat log to Glamazon to see whether I was that off the mark. But her reaction was very much like mine, and she vowed to not introduce him to any other girls. So, on the grounds of being objective, I’ll let you draw your own conclusions… by reading the aforementioned log. I will clarify something, re-scheduling only took place twice. You’ll understand as you read on. Bon apetit.


CA: I never realized that we couldn’t have a decent conversation though – considering that we talked a lot for at least two months… but whatever.

SSG: Yeah… becacuse it was never a bit awkward IRL. But sure, let’s not turn this into an argument, right?

CA: There’s really not much to argue. I didn’t do anything wrong, thus I feel no remorse or regret.

SSG: Oh, so therefore I must’ve messed up somewhere.

CA:Yes. At least by my standards. All the rescheduling and postponing was really annoying. You don’t have to make excuses, that’s how you are but it’s not how I am.

SSG: It’s not about making excuses, if I couldn’t make it by a certain time there was a reason for it. If I had not wanted to see you i would’ve just cancelled and told you straight to your face.

CA: Yeah but it happened way too often and I was getting tired of it – and then tonight you told me you had to reschedule with your friend… and then you told me you want us to be friends. What’s the payoff for me, if you’re just going to reschedule in the future when we’re just friends? What’s the point?

SSG: Hmm… so you don’t see a point to being friends.

CA: Not if I’m continuously inconvenienced by things that annoy me

SSG: Well, I could promise to make sure I’ll be on time before I schedule anything with you. But bear in mind that I commute, and things tend to pop up at the last minute over here. I know it’s annoying, and I don’t like it myself.

CA: Then why burden yourself? I can’t possibly be that great of a potential friend

SSG: Why not?

CA: Because I’m an ass? I’m not looking for friends anyway, so it’s irrelevant.

SSG: Yup, being an ass indeed.

CA: A punctual ass.

SSG: Case in point.

CA: So are we done then?

SSG: Oh so done.


And I’d wondered why Glamazon had said he had no friends.


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