(Reset/Refresh)

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Wow. I really did abandon this page. Hard.

I could have seen it coming of course, but I didn’t see it getting this bad after such a short while. Especially considering there’s quite a number of stories I haven’t got around to telling. And yes, I do mean quite a number. I’ve lived a busy lif- ok, NO. [That comes out wrong.]

So how did I find my way back into this place? Why, by massive popular support, of course! #blatantlies The actual story is, I went through what turned out to be a fun string of emotional misfortunes [yesyesI’llbesharingthemstopasking]… and then was occupied with readjusting to school… and lately with going through less unfortunate situations… but that’s a story I won’t quite be sharing… yet? #fingerscrossed

So we can call this whole period one of material collecting.

#BLATANTLIES4REAL

I ought to thank my dearest BoomerangBestie and two equally dear lovely people I haven’t introduced yet, CaliCommunicator and UltimateDouche, for their gentle push [off a cliff] and motivation to pursue my literary dreams have me airing out all my embarrassing stories in the most public medium imaginable. You can see how much these three must love me. #toinfinityandbeyond [well it wasn’t *their* idea] And now, with a new layout and a renewed vow to mercilessly keep on making fun of myself, I promise a new post before the end of the week. Stay tuned! ♥

Episode Three: A Treatise in Assholery

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[To make up for the lengthy absence, here comes a long story. Sorry again, and thanks for reading! ~♥ ]

If there’s something that I’m constantly thankful for, is that (at least for the most part) the men I’ve had to deal with in my life were overall decent human beings. Occasionally stupid, yes – but not downright scum. You know, the kind that won’t make you worry about photos popping up in the web, getting you into Ponzi schemes or kidnapping your pets and holding them for ransom. [I know, my mind works in twisted ways.] Of course, there are always exceptions in every trend and, as I discovered, a guy doesn’t need to put you through that kind of hell to qualify as a grade-A-asshole. So I surely dodged a bullet when I pushed this one out of my way…

To hammer the point home, let’s call him CertifiedAsshole.

I met this… humanoid at Glamazon’s birthday. It was quite the evening for a variety of reasons. First, before heading to the event, I had met a guy for dinner and drinks for the first time in nearly a year. He happened to be none other than BlueprintBoss, of course. Spoiler: nothing happened (see Episode Two) – but the two vodka-crans I guzzled down were the start of the fall down a very slippery and incredibly steep slope. Second, I knew for a fact that EvilEx3 was sure to attend (Glamazon being the friend who had introduced us in the first place, more than three years prior). However, I was halfway expecting him to go with the girl I thought he was seeing. He didn’t. And what’s worse, he… oh, I’ll get to that part later. Finally, that very slippery and steep slope I mentioned? It was like a water slide, only with various types of alcohol replacing H2O.

But I didn’t know the way things were going to turn out when I first set foot in the bar. Since EvilEx3 hadn’t arrived yet, I took the chance to mingle and meet some new folks. That was the time when Glamazon called me over, and introduced me to this rather mousy looking guy standing next to her.

“SSG, this is CertifiedAsshole. He has no friends. CertifiedAsshole, this is SSG, one of the nicest people I know. Talk.”

That would’ve been a red flag for any girl not on her third drink alright, fifth who calls herself sane. But I wasn’t that concerned due to a mix of the whiskey I was having and my knowledge of the birthday girl’s occasionally heartless (yet still awesome) sense of humor. Besides, he looked like a total nerd (and everyone knows I like nerdy guys). What was there to be scared of? So we in fact exchanged a few phrases, and then went our own way. That should’ve been that. But then, a good hour and three drinks later, we found ourselves again sitting at the bar, merrily chatting away as drinks seven, eight and nine took place and, what’s even worse, under the stern, wounded gaze of EvilEx3 who was standing there staring. Just staring. I decided to just ignore him (as we had been broken up for nearly two years already). But of course, the clock kept on ticking the night away, and eventually I decided to call it a night. I asked CertifiedAsshole to walk me to the subway, but as soon as he agreed, EvilEx3 volunteered as well.

Now, I know this story is about how CertifiedAsshole was douchebaggery personified, but this move by EvilEx3 was so close to taking the cake that I just have to explain it. The thing is, I was wearing a pair of awesome, gravity defying heels that evening. Knowing full well that due to my inherent clumsiness I was bound to faceplant due to drunkenness exhaustion on the way back, I snuck a pair of flats in my purse. So, when we were on our way out, I asked the guys to wait for me as I went to the washroom to change my shoes. When I came out, lo and behold… only EvilEx3 was there. He said something about the other guy just going back upstairs and headed out the door. Conveniently enough though, Glamazon was out there too so I took that chance to walk back in with her to confirm my suspicions. Turns out, CertifiedAsshole hadn’t so much gone back upstairs as he had been asked to… by EvilEx3. I was livid – the nerve! I apologized and promised to stay in touch before heading home, for real this time.

Because I am a woman of my word (or so I’d like to think) and I was fairly intrigued, I made honor of my promise the very next day. It was actually fun, I have to say, talking about random things like games and Pixar movies. But as fate would have it, he leaving town for a few weeks and I was headed on a month and a half trip before he got back. Therefore our interactions took place exclusively over the internet. Perhaps that was a sign, too. In any event, after a couple months of talking sporadically over facebook chat, we found ourselves in the same place at the same time, and we promptly scheduled a date.

Actually, the date wasn’t bad. We went out for Persian food and then, being unable to make it into the board game café, we wound up at his place watching The Princess Bride. We might have kissed during the movie. But I picked up something I had noticed during out previous conversation, but which I hoped would improve in person: conversations didn’t come easily with him. And I usually don’t have this problem with people. So I was concerned – perhaps I wasn’t so into him? Our following date (after a reschedule) consisted on going out for coffee and playing Stratego. I got a call towards the end of the night and had to head straight back after the game (which took a good two hours, plus the time spent on choosing what to play). By this point, communication was diminishing, and I knew the inevitable was around the corner. So I decided to tell him things were not going to work out the very next time we spoke.

But of course, it was easier said than done. Well, saying it was easy… the reaction on the other hand took me completely off-guard. To the point where, after the conversation took place, I did something I never do and sent the chat log to Glamazon to see whether I was that off the mark. But her reaction was very much like mine, and she vowed to not introduce him to any other girls. So, on the grounds of being objective, I’ll let you draw your own conclusions… by reading the aforementioned log. I will clarify something, re-scheduling only took place twice. You’ll understand as you read on. Bon apetit.

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CA: I never realized that we couldn’t have a decent conversation though – considering that we talked a lot for at least two months… but whatever.

SSG: Yeah… becacuse it was never a bit awkward IRL. But sure, let’s not turn this into an argument, right?

CA: There’s really not much to argue. I didn’t do anything wrong, thus I feel no remorse or regret.

SSG: Oh, so therefore I must’ve messed up somewhere.

CA:Yes. At least by my standards. All the rescheduling and postponing was really annoying. You don’t have to make excuses, that’s how you are but it’s not how I am.

SSG: It’s not about making excuses, if I couldn’t make it by a certain time there was a reason for it. If I had not wanted to see you i would’ve just cancelled and told you straight to your face.

CA: Yeah but it happened way too often and I was getting tired of it – and then tonight you told me you had to reschedule with your friend… and then you told me you want us to be friends. What’s the payoff for me, if you’re just going to reschedule in the future when we’re just friends? What’s the point?

SSG: Hmm… so you don’t see a point to being friends.

CA: Not if I’m continuously inconvenienced by things that annoy me

SSG: Well, I could promise to make sure I’ll be on time before I schedule anything with you. But bear in mind that I commute, and things tend to pop up at the last minute over here. I know it’s annoying, and I don’t like it myself.

CA: Then why burden yourself? I can’t possibly be that great of a potential friend

SSG: Why not?

CA: Because I’m an ass? I’m not looking for friends anyway, so it’s irrelevant.

SSG: Yup, being an ass indeed.

CA: A punctual ass.

SSG: Case in point.

CA: So are we done then?

SSG: Oh so done.

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And I’d wondered why Glamazon had said he had no friends.

(Apologies… and more apologies)

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I would like to say right now that I’ve been incredibly busy and having one of the most hectic times of my life… but I’d be lying. Ok, it is a hectic time for a series of reasons, but I had this horrible, particularly persistent case of writersblockitis, and then the file I was writing the next entry on got overwritten… ugh. The good news? I’ve got material for more than a couple stories now. My most sincere apologies, and I absolutely promise to post within the next four days. [fingers crossed]

Stay tuned!

Rant-tastic: “7 Behaviors That Are Keeping You Single”

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I was planning on following Episode Two with the very first Today’s Topic – until fate intervened.  You know those times where you’re mindlessly happily browsing the web until you stumble upon something that makes you cringe as hard as when you look at Chris Brown’s latest tattoo (which quite possibly deserves a post of its own)?

This time the offender was this article.

“Hmm… maybe because I’m following idiotic Yahoo advice? Nah, that can’t be it.”

I’m not going to cover every single of these “dangerous” behaviors, first because a couple of them are not as ridiculously off-the-mark as the highlighted blunders, and second, because I don’t want this post to be longer than the list of blocked webpages in China. So here we go.

Behavior #1. HAVING SEX TOO SOON. Ok, I get it. It’s the old “why buy the cow if he can get the milk for free” scenario… or so one would think before being hit in the face with the following nugget of wisdom.

“Many women feel pressure to have sex with a man because they feel that this will keep the man’s attention.”

What.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think I’ve ever, ever, slept with a guy just to keep his attention – and I can’t think of anyone I know that would resort to that. Newsflash, people: women have sex because they want to. [Unless they’re 16 and have a pushy boyfriend, but isn’t this targeted to adults?] And even if it was “too soon” (seriously, what does that even mean?), that doesn’t immediately negate the possibility of a relationship taking place because, if the two parties like each other [read: if the sex was good] contact doesn’t need to come to a halt – unless we’re talking about an asshole of Chris-Brown-ish proportions (in which case you’re probably just picking the wrong guys). Anyway, what’s the proposed solution for this? The first one made sense, “do not sleep with a guy if you’re not ready”. But then:

“Also, do not have sex with a man before there is a mutual emotional connection.”

Is it just me or this statement is completely ignoring the possibility that some women are fully capable of having no-strings-attached, entirely meaningless sex with a man just for the fun of it? Ugh. Moving on.

Behavior #2. NEGATIVE ATTITUDE: Just this:

If you have the attitude that all men are dogs, all men cheat, all men are pigs, this attitude will definitely repel men.”

Is it true that not all men fit the above description? Yes. Does that mean that we should ignore the fact that at least one of these behaviors will likely be present in any given man you’ll meet? NO. And I think being realistic and aware of this beats acting oblivious and risking becoming a Stepford wife* any day.

Behavior #5. TOO PICKY: You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. If you’re looking for a set of important characteristics in a person which you could, you know, potentially end up living the rest of your life with… I say, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

Behavior #7. BEING OVERLY AGGRESSIVE: Uh, did we time-travel into the 1800s when I wasn’t looking?

“If you try to push for a relationship or marriage with a man before he is ready, it will only push him away. […] Allow the man to court you.”

Ok, it is true that breaking out the M-word before a third date will justifiably cause a guy to run away in the opposite direction at admirable speeds. But I thought we had made some progress when it came to showing some initiative in the dating world – especially considering the fact that some guys actually enjoy this and want their partner to have a voice of her own.

Wow, that was exhausting. I wish could feel better now, but I’m sadly aware of there being an insane amount of articles just like this one going around, both online and on paper. When will advice columnists remember that not all women are created equal? That one-size-fits-all advice works very much like clothing [read: a bad fit for everyone]? And even more important: since when is being single an alternate meaning of “there’s something wrong with you and you need to fix it ASAP”? You know what’s actually keeping me single? I am. And I like it that way.

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*If you don’t know what that means, see this.

Episode Two: The 2010 Agreement

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Today’s soundtrack: Tears Dry on Their Own – Amy Winehouse

If you’ve read Episode One you must think I’m an idiot – and rightfully so.

I certainly felt like one myself once I reached my room that evening, which I spent [ok, as well as the following entire two days] eating chocolate and listening to Ms Winehouse’s finest on repeat. #shamelessconfessions  But you must remember, that wasn’t really the whole story. I just happened to… pretty much start at the ending [so that you’d come again and read this #nefariousploy].

So, what’s the story ?

Ok, not *this* one.

[Not that one, evidently. Still, pretty good record.]

Let’s take it from the top. I met BlueprintBoss at one of my birthday celebrations which, as BoomerangBestie will most definitely remember, was a proper clusterfuck for a wide variety of reasons – the most prevalent being my very recent (and apparently failed to that point) breakup with CluelessEngineer. [running up and down stairs and hiding in the conveniently placed crowd, anyone?] That wasn’t the first time I’d seen him – we had exchanged looks at BoomerangBestie’s own birthday a few weeks prior, but then I got to the pre-drinking late, and he didn’t join for clubbing, and I didn’t even talk to him and, and, and. #irrelevant. So yeah. Somehow, in the midst of surviving the madness that was that evening, we managed to chat a little, dance (appropriately), and connect enough to not make a facebook friend request incredibly awkard. #relativelywinnning

In the days that followed we remained in touch over chat making small talk about random matters to get to know each other a little better (you know, #usualprotocol) until I received an invitation to do so in person. At his place, no less. I would have been suspicious had I not known that:

      1. He had a roommate.
      2. They only had one room.

That first meeting went quite smoothly, and we had a good time altogether. [Yes, his roommate vanished at one point. No, still nothing happened.] So of course this took place again… with no tangible signs of interest from his part other than us still meeting. This reached a cusp one night as we said goodbye at the station, when we stared for the longest time [oh-godis-he-gonna-lean-in-and-kiss-me-or-what?]… and nothing happened still. “Fuck this,” I thought, “he’s definitely not interested. Oh well.”

You can imagine my surprise when he asked to meet me again after that. At his place, no less.

I won’t get into all the excruciating detail of that night… because there isn’t that much of it (except for mentioning that he takes the medal of “first guy to ever cook for me” which was pretty great). The important part of the story came as we sat next to each other watching a random 80s movie and we were back to those long stares like the ones at the station. And then… he opened his mouth.

“I really want to kiss you right now, but I have to say something first.”

Oh crap.

…it does sound pretty scary, huh?

Actually it wasn’t. He revealed he was going to go abroad for a year in three months time and due to the time constraint, he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I, being fresh off a relationship that can only be described as an epic fail, sighed in relief.  And yes, we finally kissed.

We were pretty efficient in laying down our ground rules. We came up with three. One: this is an open endeavor. Two: if you do, in fact, sleep with a third party, notify me. Three: this has to be kept under wraps. (At my insistence, since him and CluelessEngineer had friends in common). And so the 2010 Agreement was born. It worked beautifully, to the point where the first two rules became inconsequential. We had a memorable three months. But then, alas, they were over and we parted. We kept in touch over time but things never went back to where they were, even after his return.

Why, then, did I attempt to revive the 2010 Agreement? I perhaps I should’ve known better than to do so. But there I was, again, in a place where I didn’t want a fully-fledged relationship (although with him, at a different time, I wouldn’t have minded), in front of the first friend-with-benefits I’ve ever had, and I honestly liked him that much. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask. But then it did, to my surprise. I guess I had idealized those months quite a bit [who wouldn’t? I had no complaints!] and it was a bit of a hard landing to know we wouldn’t revisit that either because of work or because he’s-just-not-that-into-me-anymore. But after getting through the sad music and more chocolate than I’d like to admit, I’ve stayed true to my word  and we remain friends. Whatever. We’ll always have 2010.

(Guidelines)

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Some things I want to clear up before I go on:

On Codenames: Even though it’d be hard to identify people without my location, I still feel compelled to protect the identities of the people I’ll talk about (and sometimes for good reason). So, yeah, you won’t get their names either.

  • When it comes to guys (as seen in Episode One): They’ll mostly relate to their job/studies [of-course-I’ll be-switching-some-of-them-around! #paranoidandroid], unless…
    • Exes: They’ll go from EvilEx1 to whichever number applies [not really evil but yeah, #ScottPilgrimFTMFW]
    • TwoGuysOneTrade: If any two guys share a job/field, I’ll give one of them a name based on personality/any weird traits they might have.

 

  • When it comes to girls: Just random. [ok not really.] It just depends on why I’m introducing them. If it’s something instrumental to the story, they’re names will reflect it. (i.e.: SoCalledStudyBuddy*, ScummyBitch**) My friends, on the other hand, will appear often, so I better start introducing a few of them:
    • BoomerangBestie: My partner in crime (which often goes unpunished). We drifted apart for a while after a fight but we’re back to our former glory. To say that I love her to pieces is an understatement.
    • MissBlackbelt: One of the sweetest people in the world – she could kick any guy’s butt in a millisecond, but she’s just too nice. Really smart too, even if her head is often in the clouds.
    • ListeningSis: The younger sister I don’t have. She asks for advice and provides great insights. Although we share the same taste in men, you wouldn’t be able to tell from our choices.
    • Glamazon: Has impeccable taste in fashion, and is also a great beauty blogger. Our guilty pleasures include make-up purchases and tearing guys to pieces.

 

On Format: For now, there will be two kinds of posts (disregarding random/admin ones):

    • Story posts: Basically, my (mis)adventures told in episodes.
    • Topic posts: My thoughts on different ideas prevalent in relationships – from monogamy to trust and everything in between. Opinions are most definitely welcome, and discussions encouraged.

While on the topic, I should clarify that statements in brackets (not parentheses nor braces) and italics tend to be my brain’s unfiltered thoughts, [non-] witty remarks, [pseudo-] snarky comebacks and so on. You get the idea.

On Content: I will not blog about anything romantic /casual/physical currently taking place in my life. I deserve some privacy. [And if it goes awry you will find out eventually. 😉]

And with all administrative matters now cleared out, expect Episode Two after the break! 

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*Just an example

**An actual minor character in a story.